What to Say When Someone is Struggling

So I follow a substack called “How to Survive an Existential Crisis.” Before you laugh, let me tell you that it’s by one of my favorite poets, Nikita Gill. Sometimes, she includes writing prompts, and from these prompts, some of her most beautiful poems emerge.

And so here we have a cold winter morning, where I’ve layered up and ventured out to my favorite neighborhood cafe. And how lovely is it that all the dogs are wearing their winter gear too? Anyway, this poem by Nikita Gill seems most fitting for today:

Everything is on fire,
but everyone I love is doing beautiful things
and trying to make life worth living,
and I know I don’t have to believe in everything,
but I believe in that.

– Nikita Gill

Turn on any news outlet or scroll through your feed, and the title “How to Survive an Existential Crisis” suddenly seems more fitting. As I write this, wildfires are tearing through California, destroying homes, communities, and pieces of history. War and unrest is happening abroad. Our political landscape feels more fractured than ever, with deep divides over how to move forward as a nation. And closer to home, in your own circle, there’s likely someone facing a hardship so immense it defies comprehension. And somehow we are to wake each morning, send little ones off to school, and open our email inbox as if it’s just business as usual.

In our country, I’ve often felt we fall short in teaching the importance of community care. Many of us want to show up for one another, but we often struggle with finding the right words or knowing how to offer support. Through my own experiences—losing my father in 2024 and caring for my mom as she recovers from a stroke—I’ve been on the receiving end of well-meaning but sometimes uncertain gestures, and I know how challenging it can be. At the same time, I’ve stood beside friends facing their own hardships and felt unsure of what to say or do. Realizing this is a shared experience for many, I decided to dig deeper and put together some practical tips for supporting a friend in need

Remember These Important Points

Here are some important points as you dive into the world of supporting someone who is struggling.

Validate Your Friend’s Emotions

Acknowledge their feelings and let them know it’s understandable to feel the way they do about a situation. It normalizes their reaction to the experience and circumstances. It also shows that you are willing to meet them where they are.

Offer to Listen

I think that when someone reaches out to us with a frustration or a problem, our natural inclination is to problem solve. But really, simply being present and available to listen can be incredibly helpful. Sometimes, people just want to talk about what’s going on, and it’s often through just the releasing of that energy alone that someone can feel a little lighter. Also, make it a choice as to whether or not your friend wants to talk about their situation. Sometimes, devastating circumstances can be allconsuming. They come with an energy of “once I start talking about this, it’s hard to stop.” Not everyone wants to dive into their situation all the time. Sometimes, talking about anything else is also helpful. Let it be their choice.

Ask Open-Ended Questions

Encourage a friend to share more about their struggles happens when we ask questions that take more than a simple “yes” or “no” to answer. Sometimes, when I’m talking to someone, I simply ask “so what’s going on with you?” If needed, you can remind them that it’s a safe space, a judgement-free zone, and you genuinely want to know the answer.

Don’t Minimize Their Experience

I think it’s easy for anyone to take what they are going through and compare it to the plight of someone else, and feel like maybe their situation doesn’t measure up. I think devastation and loss and shifting landscapes can range in terms of extremes, but they still produce very similar experiences of feeling stuck, depleted, lost, and like you don’t know how to continue. So as you listen to your friend, try to refrain from saying things like “It’s not that bad.” To them, it is.

Provide Support

This is a tricky one for me. There have been times when I have wanted and wished that I could do more for a friend in need, but my time and resources have been tied up in my own life-crisis-of-the-moment. I have always wished that I could do more, and yet I don’t always have the means to see this through. If you are able, offer specific ways you can help, like running errands or helping with chores. Sometimes if I can pull it off, I will ask a friend in need if I can drop off dinner. But if I’m stretched then myself, I am okay expressing that so they are aware. And I’m also okay saying that “I’m gonna keep reaching out.”

No One Should Be Over it Already

I can’t stress enough that crisis and big life changes are not a one-and-done deal. These situations have a ripple effect that can be felt everywhere. If you reached out once, or did something once, that may not be enough. Be prepared to reach out again. If this is a person you are close to, you may need to be there for them for a while, and that’s okay. In these times, where I’ve found myself being more intentional with where I spend my time and energy, it’s important to me that my people know they are loved.

 

How to Start that Conversation

One of the biggest challenges in wanting to show up for someone is not knowing what to say, or fear of saying the wrong thing. And we’re human, so we’re going to get it wrong sometimes. Give yourself grace if you’re not sure how to show up. Not having the right words can often prevent us from being there when we really need to. Here are some easy phrases you can text to your friend to help open up that doorway for support:

“I can see you’re going through a tough time, and I want you to know I’m here for you.”
“This must be really hard for you, it’s okay to feel overwhelmed.”
“Do you want to talk about what’s been happening?”
“I’m here to listen if you need to vent.”
“Is there anything I can do to help make things a little easier?”
“I’m proud of you for reaching out.”

Other Important Considerations

Respect Their Boundaries

If someone doesn’t want to talk about it, don’t force them. Make it a choice as to whether or not your friend wants to talk about their situation. Sometimes, devastating circumstances can be all-consuming. They come with an energy of “once I start talking about this, it’s hard to stop.” Not everyone wants to dive into their situation all the time. Sometimes, talking about anything else is also helpful. Let it be their choice.

Are They Talking to a Therapist?

In my experience, this is a tough question to ask if someone does not already have a therapist or doesn’t see the value in talking to one. So tread lightly. A lot of my friends have therapists that they talk with regularly or in times of struggle. So when they are in a tough situation where they are having dark thoughts, I’m very comfortable asking “hey have you spoken to your therapist about this?” It can be a reminder for them to make an appointment and also to know that they are not alone.

Care for Yourself While Caring For Others

Are there any recovering people-pleasers in the room? Is it just me? I used to be someone who would give you the shirt off my back without thinking twice that doing so would mean that I would then be cold and uncomfortable. I’m big on giving, and in the past it’s sometimes been to the detriment of myself. Supporting someone who is struggling can be emotionally draining, so make sure to prioritize your own wellbeing too.

In Conclusion

Sometimes when I’m going through something tough, I feel an immediate desire to retreat. Does this happen to others? I become someone who forces themselves into solitude, an self-proposed exile. The thing is, that is the absolute last thing that I need for getting through what I’m going through. And this reminds me of how much we need people, in good times, but especially when the times are rough.

And that reminds me of this beautiful poem by Mikko Harvey, which is how I’ll close this post:

The number of hours we have together is actually not so large.
Please linger near the door uncomfortably instead of just leaving.
Please forget your scarf in my life and come back for it later.

-Mikko Harvey

 

Resources:

7 Ways to Console Someone Going Through a Hard Time (CaringBridge)
10 Ways To Help Someone Who Is Struggling With Their Mental Health (Mental Health First Aid)
How to comfort someone who is sad, disappointed, or distressed (ClearThinking)
What to say to someone who is going through a tough time (HSE)
Supporting Someone in a Crisis (Michigan State University)