The Need to Prove Ourselves

Things that are said to me despite being a smart, successful business owner of almost 6 years:

“Wait, how old are you?”

“If you don’t mind me asking, you look young so how will you be able to afford this?”

“Wait, you own your own business, well I will need to see proof of income and extra references.”

“And you do this all by yourself?”

All of this while simply searching for a sublet apartment to fill my remaining months here in Seattle. Sometimes I am all eager to show that I am successful and I work hard for the best, this is the natural go-getter in me who is always ready to fight for what she wants. I naturally want to prove myself, sometimes without questioning why, what validates the other person’s questions, And then there is the other, calmer side of me that already knows I am worthy, and if it’s not visible to the other person then this isn’t a good fit no matter what I do. This is the natural ying and yang, the fight and the flow.

I think the questions and comments cause me to pause, outside of the obvious reasons, because they are the exact replica of what I heard 6+ years ago when jumping out for the first time. Has anything changed? The ponderings I had for myself, circulate around wondering if I was a man, or if I looked older and wiser (I don’t mind my youthful looks), would I still be asked these belittling questions? Or would I be met with praise and an air of being impressed? Would I still find myself constantly in a need to prove myself, or would I just walk with an air of confidence that “I got it?” I am curious about the psychology around the questions, and also around my natural responses. But I don’t have any answers.

Trust the timing of your life, words that have kept me up at night since first setting foot in my car to embark upon this journey back in September, words I continuously lean on for support. I tell you this only so you know the day to day of my journey, the ebbs and flows, when the tide goes out and in. And I also want you to know, I in no way weight these experiences over any other I’ve had since landing here.

It doesn’t weigh more than the awesome coffee, the local brews, the spectacular hikes of waterfalls and fall foliage, the amazing program I’m in at UW, my cool classmates that I’m getting to know, or the stellar projects that I’m working on with clients.

I already know things will work out fine. However, so true of a city with this particular terrain, some hills are steeper than they appear.